So, You Joined the Gym

So, it is January 1st, which means a lot of you have now joined a gym. 95% of you will go for the next 3 or even 4 weeks and then never go again. Hopefully if you are one of these people you didn't sign up for the 1 year contract.

As a gift from me to you, here are some guidelines for being one of the 5% who make it, and not the 95% who don't. If you keep these guidelines in mind, you will fast find yourself at the next casting session for the Jersey Shore.

- The gym sucks. Know this, accept it, move on. If the gym didn't suck, you would have already been a member. The reason why you are not is because it sucks. Just because you have joined and are on your new health kick doesn't mean that this fact has changed.

- The people at the gym suck. I am not talking about the people who run the front desk or are the personal trainers walking around. I mean everybody there, which now includes you. Something happens when people walk through that front door. Maybe it is because it is the one venue in life where everyone is there only for themselves. Yeah, there are people that workout together, but more than likely they have also just joined which means at least one or both of them are going to quit going. You will find no one being polite, everyone will be in your way and no one will know because everyone is listening to their iPods. Don't get frustrated, just accept the fact everyone sucks and you are viewed that way as well.

- Working out sucks. If working out didn't suck they would call it sitting on the couch. But you know what, it does. If it didn't suck you would already be a member, so don't fight this fact. Also, when you go to the gym 5-6 times a week right off the bat, guess what, it sucks 5-6 times more than if you don't go. Don't kid yourself, try and get there 3 times a week. It will only suck 3 times as much than not going. And going is better than not going.

- Don't give into your creative side. You will be surprised at how quickly and how often you can come up with creative excuses not to go. But guess what, you are not creative. If you were, you would be living in Hollywood and probably already have a personal trainer, so don't kid yourself.

- The gym isn't the only thing that matters. If you are going to the gym to lose weight, guess what, going to the gym won't help. Why? Because since the beginning of time the only way to lose weight is to exercise AND eat right. If you aren't going to eat right, save yourself the time and aggravation of going to the gym. And the better you eat, the more the gym will pay off. So since the gym sucks, the better you eat the less you have to go. So eat right. Don't know how to eat right, buy this book and then read it. If you don't like reading, here is the quick summary of the book. Eat less, mostly plants.

- Do what you like, not what you don't. Man the gym sucks, so why do things you don't want to do? You have to do two things at the gym, lift weights and cardio. Not much you can do about lifting weights, but you do have choices when it comes to cardio. Running, biking, elliptical, arc training, stair master. All these things suck. You will find one that sucks a little less than the rest. Do that one.

- Be efficient. We have already established that the gym sucks, so why be there more than you have to? One of the best ways to be efficient is to eat right, so do half of your weight loss outside of the gym and eat right. How can you be efficient? What if I told you you could get a better workout in 15 minutes than 30, which one would you choose? The 15 minute, right? Why? Because the gyms sucks, so if you can save 15 minutes that is 15 minutes you can spend in the car leaving the gym because it sucks. Don't hop on the treadmill or bike or elliptical and go at the same speed for 30 minutes. You are basically doing nothing even though the fancy machine is saying you are burning all these calories. Instead, walk for 3 minutes, then for :30 go as fast as you possible can without passing out, then for :30 go nice and slow to regain your breath. Go :30 fast and :30 slow until you hit 15 minutes. You have now done twice as much in half the time. You have now "trained with a purpose."

- Set a Goal. If your only goal is to go to the gym, you will fail, because nobody wants to have a goal about something that sucks. And no, your goal can't be "to lose weight." Sign up for a road race or a bike race/ride, pay the money for that race so you then have to do it. If you are new to the gym, here is your race schedule.
- 5k in March (3.1 miles)
- 10k in May (6.2 miles)
- 1/2 Marathon in September (13.1 miles)
You don't have to do all three, but pick one. My suggestion is the 5k in March. There are tons of 5ks to do, they are the Dunkin Donuts of road races, a dime a dozen. They cost around $20 each and you get a cool paper bib number you can hang in your house. If you don't like running, find something else to sign up for.

- Everyone is looking at you. Yes, when you go to the gym, one of the things that sucks is it seems as if everyone is looking at you. You know why? Because they are. Don't worry, they aren't looking at just you, they are looking at everyone else too. You know why? Because you are looking at everyone at the same time. The gym is the biggest people watching venue in the world. Makes Quincy Market look like the minor leagues. Don't worry though, they don't care what you look like, because you won't care what anybody else looks like either.

- Use the steam room. No steam room? Use the sauna. No sauna? Find another gym. Greatest way to quickly lose weight doing something that doesn't suck, sitting in a steam room (or sauna.) When you sit in these rooms you just sit there and sweat. It is the lazy way to workout. Don't think you can just go to the gym and sit in these rooms, you can't, won't work. But, they make you feel great after a workout that sucks and it helps you get in shape by sitting. You will have to deal with elderly people in towels. It is one of the things that make the gym suck.

- Sleeping doesn't suck. Let's face it, you love sleep. You won't be able to go to the gym in the morning because sleeping is way better than going to the gym that sucks. But, this means you have to go after work, and that is when most of us have plans to go do things. Here is the rule:
If you get up with enough time to have a cup of coffee and watch a little bit of Good Morning America, you are the type of person that needs to go to the gym in the morning. Don't worry, if you work out in the morning you feel like a million dollars for the rest of the day. It is God's way of rewarding you for going to the gym.
If you get up with enough time to take a shower, put on clothes and get in your car, you don't go to the gym in the morning. Don't even try it. You are the type of person who goes to the gym after work.
Don't feel like you need to be one or the other. You will fall into one of the two categories. Use this simple rule to figure out which one you are.

- Don't get a personal trainer. The trainer will basically tell you what I am telling you or you can find numerous sites on the internet that will give you advice. If you make it past 4 weeks, you are probably one of the 5% that I am hoping you become, so guess what happens if you achieve this? You have spent 4 weeks at the gym looking at everyone, which includes people in personal training sessions. Instead of paying for them (which are usually stupid expensive) just copy what they are telling everyone else. Most likely each trainer will do the same type of things with all their clients, which means whatever that is has had some sort of success. Just copy whatever that is. Saving money doesn't suck.

- Don't make friends. Make the gym your no friends zone. This way you never have people there who know you and can then judge what you may or may not have been doing. Make the gym your tree of anonymity. If you are someone who is social and makes friends easy, remember the people at the gym suck, so you don't want to talk to them.

Follow these rules and make you 2012 gym health kick last.